#Avoidant Attachments

If you grew up around adults who never apologized, “good enough” can start to sound like permission to stay the same. But we can change that. In my research, only about 35% of people can recall a nonjudgmental adult who listened with empathy and compassion when they were growing up, so a lot of us are figuring this out in real time. And what Eli (@attachmentnerd) names here is the real bar for parenting. Show up enough, and then repair when you miss. Kids don’t need perfect parenting to feel secure. They’re tracking whether your core heart is there for them, and whether you can own it when you get it wrong instead of explaining it away or blaming them. That’s why I wanted this conversation on Dealing With Feeling. Watch on YouTube, or listen on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. When you miss, do you model repair, or do you teach them to get “easier”?

So many parents will find themselves worrying if they’re doing enough to create a secure attachment with their children. Today, we’re joined by Eli Harwood, the creator of Attachment Nerd and bestselling author of Raising Securely Attached Kids to talk all about attachment and managing our emotions. Eli’s new book How to Deal with Your ___ So Your Kids Don’t Have To is a practical encyclopedia for parents to reference again and again. She covers everything from what to do when you’re feeling angry to how to talk to your partner about getting into therapy. Today, we delve into fostering a secure bond with our kids and how important it is to take care of our own emotional baggage for the sake of our kids. Everyone can benefit from Eli’s work because as she says, the best gift you can give your kids is secure attachment. Listen at the link in my bio!

The avoidant or absent parent is one of the most challenging relationships a child can experience because it occurs during the most critical stage of nervous system development. This is the period when we begin forming patterns. Behaviors lead to responses. Responses create reinforcement loops. Over time those loops become habits that shape how we relate to the world and to other people. As children, emotional closeness and connection are essential for developing a stable sense of self. When affection, attention, and validation are consistent, we internalize a feeling of safety and worth. But when the person we look to for emotional reinforcement withholds it, something different happens. We work harder. We pay closer attention. We try new strategies to win connection. Our gestures grow bigger. Our efforts become more intense. And when even a small amount of affection finally arrives, it reinforces the chase. The inconsistency hooks us. We begin to associate effort with hope and scarcity with value. The loop strengthens every time we try harder to earn what should have been freely given. Breaking this pattern begins with recognition. We recognize that our worth was never meant to be negotiated through pursuit. We learn to see the pattern for what it is. And we begin setting boundaries around the instinct to chase people who cannot meet us with the same level of presence and care. Healing begins the moment we stop performing for love and approval and start honoring our own value. #AttachmentTheory #EmotionalIntelligence #LeadershipDevelopment #InnerWork #breakthecycle

Children don’t just listen to what we say about love and self-worth - they internalize what we model. Research in attachment theory and neuroscience shows that kids absorb relationship patterns through co-regulation and observation. The way we treat ourselves becomes their template for what love feels like, what safety feels like, and what they should accept from others. When a child watches a parent practice self-respect, emotional regulation, and self-compassion, their nervous system learns: “This is what being valued feels like.” When they see chronic self-abandonment, over-sacrificing, or staying where there is hurt - they learn that too. You are not just raising a child. You are shaping their future relationship blueprint. If this topic resonates, I go deeper into the science and long-term impact in the full video - watch it via the YouTube link in bio.

🥰 From infancy onward, children rely on caregivers not just to survive, but also to learn how relationships work—how safe the world is, whether emotions are manageable, and whether they are worthy of care. These lessons are taught through repeated, ordinary moments of connection. 🥰 Researchers and clinicians often describe five foundational attachment needs in childhood: attunement, expressed delight, safety and protection, soothing and reassurance, and support of the child’s best self. When these needs are met with enough consistency, the nervous system learns security. When they’re inconsistently met, the system adapts—becoming vigilant, avoidant, or disorganized. 🥰 These adaptations aren’t flaws. They’re survival strategies. 🥰 Understanding attachment needs helps adults stop asking “What’s wrong with me?” and start asking “What did my nervous system learn?” And more importantly: “What does it need now?” 🥰 This 6-part series will walk through each attachment need—what it looks like, why it matters, and how it echoes into adulthood. 🥰 Stay tuned for part ✌️ #healing #relationships #secureattachment #attachment #anxiousattachment #avoidantattachment #dismissiveattachment #disorganizedattachment #fearfulavoidantattachment #attachmentneeds #childhood #parenting

Most parents think secure attachment means staying calm all the time. It doesn’t. Secure attachment is built in the hard moments. In the repair. In the “I’m sorry I yelled.” In the boundary you hold with steadiness instead of shame. Your child doesn’t need perfection. They need a regulated adult who is willing to come back and reconnect. This is the work. And it starts with supporting your nervous system first. If you want to parent from connection instead of reactivity, I can help. DM ATTACHMENT or book a free call through the link in my bio. #AttachmentParenting #traumainformedparenting #ConsciousParenting #ConnectedParenting #ParentCoach

The first three years matter deeply. But this is not about perfection. It’s about pattern. It’s about presence. It’s about being emotionally available more often than not. You can be a loving, attuned parent and still get tired. Still misread cues. Still lose patience. What shapes a child isn’t a single hard moment. It’s whether someone comes back. Attachment is built in the returning. In the repair. In the “I’m here now.” And if you’re reading this wondering Did I do enough? The very fact that you’re reflecting tells me something about the kind of base you’ve been. We are not raising children who never struggle. We are raising children who know how to reach for connection when they do. 💥 What does “being there” look like in your home right now? #mentalhealth #parenting #relationships #attachments #therapist

Attachment is one of the most influential parts of childhood - it shapes us for life. Your attachment style affects: • how you see yourself • how emotionally safe you feel • how you handle stress & overwhelm • how you love, trust, and connect You may have an ANXIOUS attachment style if as a child, you never knew whether your emotional needs would be met or dismissed. You became hyper-aware of others’ moods, scanning for safety. As an adult, relationships feel intense, with a fear of abandonment and a need for reassurance. You may have an AVOIDANT attachment style if as a child, you learned that expressing your needs led to rejection or emotional distance. You adapted through self-reliance. As an adult, you prioritise independence over closeness and struggle to lean on others. You may have a DISORGANISED attachment style if your caregiver was both your safe place and your source of fear. You learned that love and danger coexist. As an adult, this can show up as push-pull relationships - craving closeness, then withdrawing to protect yourself. SECURE attachment (what we want for ourselves & our children) - as a child, your caregiver responded consistently and comforted you when you were upset. You felt worthy, safe, and supported. As an adult, you build balanced relationships and recover more easily from life’s challenges. Attachment styles are often passed down through generations. But here’s the GOOD NEWS👇 With awareness and intentional work, this cycle CAN be broken. Secure attachment can even be developed later in life. In the meantime, one powerful place to start is by looking again at secure attachment (because if you’re reading this… chances are it wasn’t modelled consistently for you 😅). When you’re triggered and READY TO BLOWWW 🌋 Ask yourself: What did I need as a child? ❤️‍🩹 Presence → Hand on heart, slow breaths ❤️‍🩹 Comfort → Give yourself a self-hug ❤️‍🩹 Space → Step away, take a few quiet minutes ❤️‍🩹 Grounding → Feet on the floor, strong and steady (ideally barefoot on grass) ❤️‍🩹 To be heard → Write freely (handwritten if possible) or talk to someone who listens without fixing, or judging #attachmenttheory #cyclebreaking

Attachment is observing patterns in behaviour to ensure a child gets the right support growing up to eventually find security and safety in future environments, relationships and friendships. Every attachment style is adaptive. Strategies can be put into place and can shift aspects of a certain style. Btw - attachment style DOES NOT = personality types. They are not permanent, and most importantly they are not a measure of your worth as a parent. Attachment tells us what a child needs. It can shift when relationships feel safer, more consistent, and more emotionally attuned over time. Here we are aiming to understand child behaviour through a relational lens. We then use this to find ways to provide awareness, safety and security. Save this for later, or share it with someone who works with children 🧡 #attachmentstyle #parentingsupport #parentinformation #emotionalregulation #attachmentissues

If you’re realizing you have anxious or avoidant attachment, I cannot recommend this book enough: Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It’s not a parenting book. It’s about romantic relationships. But it changed how I show up as a parent because it made me understand MY patterns. Once you understand your patterns, you can break them. Understanding them is crucial because the way YOU attach directly affects how your kids will attach. 1. SECURE ATTACHMENT - You trust people. You’re comfortable with intimacy AND independence. Relationships feel safe, not anxious. 2. ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT - You constantly need reassurance. You’re terrified of abandonment. You people-please to keep people close. You overanalyze everything. 3. AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT - You value independence over connection. You pull away when things get too close. You suppress emotions. Intimacy feels suffocating. 4. DISORGANIZED/FEARFUL-AVOIDANT - You want connection but fear it at the same time. It’s a mix of anxious and avoidant. Usually comes from trauma. Most people are some combination, but one is usually dominant. Your kids are watching you operate in these patterns. And they’re learning that THIS is how relationships work. This however isn’t the full scope of determining your attachment style. Always remember to speak to a professional for further guidance.

Avoidant attachment doesn’t come from a lack of feelings. It often forms much earlier — in environments where emotional needs were not consistently met or felt safe to express. When a child repeatedly experiences that closeness doesn’t lead to comfort, but to distance, dismissal or feeling “too much”, the nervous system adapts by suppressing the need for emotional dependency. Over time, an internal belief develops: It’s safer to rely on myself than to be vulnerable with others. In adulthood, this may appear as a strong need for space, discomfort with deep emotional intimacy, and a tendency to pull away when relationships become more intense. This distance doesn’t always mean a lack of love. It is often a protective mechanism against vulnerability and emotional overwhelm. Understanding this origin helps us see, behind the withdrawal, not coldness, but an early strategy for emotional survival.

What your child does the moment you walk through the door says more about your bond than you might think... Think about the end of a regular day. You come home, and your child either lights up, runs towards you, or barely looks up from what they're doing. These small reactions tell you a lot about how secure they feel with you. Children who feel securely attached will usually react when you leave and when you come back. When you head out the door, they might get a bit upset or ask where you're going, but they're able to calm down and get on with their day. And when you return, they show you they're glad you're back - even if it's just finishing what they're doing and coming over for a hug a few minutes later. What they're really saying is "I missed you, and I'm happy you're here." When that secure attachment isn't there yet, you tend to see one of two extremes. Either your child has no reaction when you leave (they don't even seem to notice), or they become so distressed that nobody can settle them. And at pick-up or when you come home, they may seem completely indifferent to your return. If any of this sounds familiar, please don't panic. Secure attachment can be built at any age. Respond when they come to you. Follow their lead during play. Keep your daily routines predictable. These things genuinely add up over time. You're here reading this, which already says a lot. Tonight when you come home, try getting down to their level, making eye contact, and letting them know you're happy to see them. What does your child usually do when you walk through the door? 👇 #ChildDevelopment #PaediatricOT #ParentTips